Maya Khan: ‘I don’t know why you insist on meeting at these elitist
restaurants Veena, you know how these ‘pseudointellectual-burgers’ give me the evil
eye’
Veena Malik: ‘Well i don’t have a choice! Last time we met at your chai-dhaba and I wore my new Juicy Couture hot-pants with the ‘two is better than one’ on the rear and did you see the way that old man stomped away with the hijab-i in tow? Besides you should be thankful we didn’t meet at Qasim Park’
Maya Khan: ‘Ssshh don’t say hijab-i like that its rude’
Veena: ‘Not here honey- idhar it will make you some friends’
Aamir Liaquat: ‘You girls stress too much. That is the greatest notion in being a man. The meaner you are the more popular you get-especially amongst the women’
Veena Malik: ‘Oh don’t make me open my mouth Aamir, those shoddy program leaking’s on you-Tube should be enough to bring you to your senses’
Aamir Liaquat: ‘Why it only increased my market value. I am getting paid twice as much for a single Ramadan show this year than my entire even-shoddier 10 year career! See if you are a man, all of this only adds to your James Dean-like persona. You should see these middle aged housewives shower brotherly adulation in their letters to me-some even want me to marry their nieces!’
Maya Khan: ‘Which reminds me- let’s get down to business. The people at ARY gave me their offer. With Ramadan around the corner and all the channel producers running around like headless chickens to come up with Pakistan’s Next Top Ramadan Show it was a match made in primetime-heaven! This will surely save my sinking career’
Veena Malik: ‘It will also hopefully do wonders for your ‘khala’ image. I do think you should go heavy on the mascara and easy on the moral mumbo jumbo. I will SMS you the number of the guy who is doing my makeup ’
Aamir Liaquat: ‘Girls don’t forget this is ARY and she will be seen in the Middle East -you don’t want to rub those Arabs the wrong way. After my tongue-in-cheek commentary on my leaked videos-hell I was just being cute I didn’t know anyone would buy it! - And my brilliant idea on the set up call from Mecca I received an ominous note typed in red saying ‘BEWARE YOU DON’T WANT TO END UP LIKE THE DERANGED FAISAL (Prince)’
Veena Malik: (high-pitched laughter) ‘Serves you right. I wish the earth would open up and all these chauvinistic Pakistani men would be swallowed in it. I prefer the Indian male-a bit tighter on the pocket and rangier but they agree on my motto: less is more. Van Der Rohe-wait was that Russian?
Aamir Liaquat: (smugly) ‘Then why are you here. Go do fancy-dancy
with the vegetable-fed Indian male and in your case the D-list Bollywood stars’
Veena Malik: ‘Well I would have except Hero TV just made this most tempting offer. They know my knack for stirring controversy and generally doing things to tick people off. I was depressed thinking my claim to fame-my scintillating blow-ups-were history! But I have to admit this whole Ramadan special takes the cake! Before the urbane- liberals were still neutral about me-but now even they are going bonkers-it’s all so exciting!
Aamir Liaquat: ‘I had never heard of Hero TV before this. Only now did I find out it is owned by the illegitimate brother of the ARY guy’
Maya Khan: ‘No I know them! Hero TV made me an offer soon after the Qasim-park episode but they wanted me to chase middle-aged aunties and young boys on dates instead!’
Veena Malik: ‘That sounds interesting. Where do you find these people though?’
Maya Khan: ‘Oh they told me to stand outside the Carlton’
Veena Malik: ‘Did you do it?’
Maya Khan: ‘Of course not! I could have gotten killed you know- those aunties are rich and well-connected not like those defenseless people I bullied at the park. Oh well that is the torrid past’
Aamir Liaquat: ‘Anyways if it wasn’t for my brilliant idea to the producers at ARY Maya, your career would have sunk further with only COPS to depend on-though I do sense this is a very enterprising idea if just done with a bit of chutzpah. I hope you remember my commission because I have to give a portion of it to my ARY agent as well. This is the greatness of man- I have killed both Satan’s with one stone: the misborn brother and those greedy producers!
Maya Khan: ‘Yes of course but please save me from Shahid Masood he gives me the jeepers with his nasal voice and draconian attitude. It’s so creepy I feel like I’m with my twin brother’
Aamir Liaquat: (chuckling) ‘Oh yes that @*!%&*. (Looks around) He’s going to do an eclectic fusion of Ramadan and politics-henpeck the masses. He wants to capitalize on the anti-Zardari, anti-American and well anti-anything sentiment in the country that he can take a grab at-you see Masood basically just goes with the drift-catch my drift?’
Maya Khan: ‘Well I guess I have to resort to my new Maya then-the Maya who is calm, composed and indifferent…. I have to keep the old Maya in check though especially when she will be tempted by Evil Twin Brother’
Veena Malik: ‘Don’t forget leaner. I’ll SMS you my trainer’s number’
Aamir Liaquat: ‘I’ll tell you girls an inside secret. Actually I was part of a bigger plan and ‘honorably discharged’ by Geo as I was nabbing other seasoned anchors program viewership ratings. Now they have come running back on their behinds. That is why Sana Buccha got insecure and threatened to resign’
Veena Malik: ‘Wasn’t it because of the Wahhabi’s?’
Maya Khan: ‘Not Wahhabi’s silly! The Ahmadi’s’
Aamir Liaquat: (Startled) ‘Yes please don’t say this hocus pocus here as it is I think my phones are being bugged…although I do think the Ahmadi comment could work for my Middle-Eastern dilemma’
Veena Malik: (Laughs) ‘I have a good feeling about this-let’s do a toast’
Maya Khan: ‘I think I’ll pass I don’t want more suspicious pictures on the internet-this time it’s a fresh start’
Aamir Liaquat: ‘I will pass too if for nothing else but that I start reciting Malang Jan poetry when I am really drunk’
Veena Malik: ‘This is why I dislike Pakistani’s-no sportsmanship’
